This December, The Good Grief Trust has kicked off National Grief Awareness Week (NGAW) with the launch of a new national campaign theme centred around the message ‘Growing With Grief’ – working together to find ways to become stronger, healthier and laying down roots for the future.
Our blog for National Grief Awareness Week 2025 was written by SWU Ambassador Dr Neil Thompson.
It was often assumed that men and women would exhibit distinct patterns in the way they experience, express and adapt to grief as a result of either inherent biological differences or cultural differences in the socialization of males and females. In much popular commentary, it was further suggested that the male role inhibits grieving since it places emphasis on the regulation of emotional expression and inhibits seeking support from others. Women, on the other hand, were seen as more ready to accept help and express emotions, both of which are seen as facilitating the grief process.
These ideas are rooted in early research on grief, often conducted with surviving widows. Early research tended to feminize grief since the experience of grief was explored from the perspectives of women, and their experiences were viewed as a model for both genders. In many ways, this perspective fitted in easily with the affective bias that is part of the ‘culture of counselling’ – that is, that counsellors often focused more on conversations about inner feelings than thoughts or behaviours.
The Doka and Martin model
In the late 1980s and early 1990s, these ideas were challenged. Doka and Martin (2010) viewed gender as only one variable affecting the ways that individuals experienced and expressed grief and adapted to loss. While gender influences grieving styles, it does not determine that style, as other factors, including culture, personal temperament and formative experiences, also play a significant role.
Doka and Martin propose that grieving styles are best perceived as a continuum. On one end of this continuum are people whose style may be described as intuitive. Intuitive grievers experience, express and adapt to grief on a very affective or feeling level. They are likely to report the experience of grief as waves of affect or feeling. They are also likely to strongly express these emotions as they grieve – shouting, crying or displaying emotion in other ways. Intuitive grievers are likely to be helped in ways that allow them to ventilate and to explore their emotions. Self-help and support groups, counselling and expressive opportunities that allow them to ventilate and to assess their feelings are likely to be helpful strategies. This style may often be found in women and is generally validated by counsellors and other helping professionals.
At the other end of the continuum are instrumental grievers. Instrumental grievers are more likely to experience, express and adapt to grief in more active and cognitive ways. They will tend to experience grief as thoughts – for example, a flooding of memories or in physical or behavioural manifestations. They are likely to express grief in similar ways – doing something related to the loss, exercising or talking about the loss. Instrumental grievers often are helped by strategies such as bibliotherapy or other interventions that make use of cognitive and active approaches. This style is often used by many men.
Towards the middle of the continuum are blended grievers. These grievers deal with a range of responses as they experience and express grief. In the same ways, they may draw on numerous coping strategies – cognitive, behavioural, spiritual or emotion based – as they cope with the loss. It is not unusual in blended grievers to see different types of loss bring out varied responses.
Doka and Martin posit one other form of griever in their typology – the dissonant griever. Dissonant grievers are those who experience grief in one pattern, but are inhibited in finding compatible ways to express or adapt to grief in ways compatible with their experiencing of grief. For example, a man might experience grief intuitively but may feel constrained from expressing or adapting to grief in that way because he perceives it as inimical to his male role. Similarly, a woman might also experience grief in a more intuitive way but believe she has to repress that feeling in order to protect her family.
Research findings on gender differences in grief
Research on spousal loss has emphasized that widows and widowers face distinct problems in loss and respond differently. Widows tend to report financial problems and greater emotional dependence on the husband (Umberson et al., 1992). Widowers also tended to stress the need to be realistic about the loss and to show a narrower range of affect than widows. While women tended to seek emotional support, men found solace in exercise, religion, work, poetry or in some more destructive patterns, such as alcohol (Lund and Caserta, 2001). Men were more reluctant to reach out to others but they were more likely to return to work, date and remarry. Studies have shown that widowers may experience higher levels of depression in the long run, although both widows and widowers initially experience an increase in depressive symptoms following the death of a spouse (Li and Lin, 2020).
In a study of resilient widowers, it was found that they used strategies that included cognitive reorganization (that is, interpreting adversity to find benefit or make meaning of the loss), took pride in developing new skills necessitated by the loss and in supporting and helping others, readjusted role priorities and increased social involvements (Silverman and Thomson, 2018).
Many of these same differences were found in the loss of a child. Studies have shown that mothers tended to experience a more intense level of grief or distress than fathers (Moriarty et al., 1996; Wijngaards-de Meij et al., 2005). Strategies for dealing with the loss also differed. Mothers were more likely to seek outside support and ventilate feeling. Fathers were less likely to express feelings and felt a need to continue to provide for and protect their families (McNeil et al., 2021). Women were inclined to use strategies that were more emotion focused and support seeking. Men tended to use more problem-focused strategies and controlled affective expression and intellectualized grief (Alam et al., 2012).
However, recent research has revealed more nuanced findings. While mothers consistently report higher initial grief intensity, the short-term elevation in depressive symptoms was marginally greater for mothers than fathers, but depressive symptoms declined at a faster rate for mothers than fathers in the years following the death (Hendrickson, 2023). Moreover, for some fathers, gendered coping mechanisms (such as isolation, stoicism and work ethic) may not be sufficient for processing grief across time, and post-traumatic stress persisted longer in fathers than in mothers (McNeil et al., 2021).
The research on grief outcomes has varied considerably. Some research has indicated that men generally fare better on measures of mortality and physical and psychological morbidity, while other research has suggested women fare better. Despite these differences, many practitioners believed that there were no significant differences in outcome (Sasson and Umberson, 2014). Other research suggested that those who respond in ways conforming to their gender role are more likely to receive social support than those who do not.
The effect of gender on grief
Practitioners clearly should be concerned about the ways a client’s gender is influencing their experience of grief and develop approaches and interventions sensitive to the client’s grieving style. However, at the same time, we need to take care that neither gender stereotypes nor the affective bias in the culture of counselling colour our approach to the client. Understanding the full continuum of grieving styles – from intuitive to instrumental, as well as blended and dissonant patterns – can help practitioners provide more effective and personalized support to bereaved individuals, recognizing that grief expression is shaped by multiple factors beyond gender alone.
About the author
Dr Neil Thompson is an independent writer, educator, a visiting professor at the Open University and Wrexham University and a SWU Ambassador. His Academy at www.NeilThompson.info offers an annual subscription service giving access to over 60 of his online courses. This is available to individuals for less than £2 per course or a corporate subscription for up to 300 staff at just £3,000 +VAT. He also offers Chartered Management Institute qualifications geared specifically to social work and social care.
References
Alam, R., Barrera, M., D’Agostino, N., Nicholas, D.B. and Schneiderman, G. (2012) ‘Bereavement experiences of mothers and fathers over time after the death of a child due to cancer’, Death Studies, 36(1), pp. 1-22.
Doka, K.J. and Martin, T.L. (2010) Grieving Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Mourn. Revised edition. New York: Routledge.
Hendrickson, K.C. (2023) ‘Gender differences in depressive symptoms following child death in later life’, Journal of Gerontology: Social Sciences, 78(9), pp. 1621-1631.
Li, J. and Lin, Y. (2020) ‘Psychosocial trajectories before and after spousal loss: Does gender matter?’, Social Science & Medicine, 293, 114207.
Lund, D.A. and Caserta, M.S. (2001) ‘When the unexpected happens: Husbands coping with the deaths of their wives’, in Lund, D.A. (ed.) Men Coping with Grief. Amityville, NY: Baywood Publishing, pp. 147-167.
McNeil, M.J., Aoun, S.M., Rumbold, B., LeDrew, M. and Kultgen, P. (2021) ‘Grief and bereavement in fathers after the death of a child: A systematic review’, Pediatrics, 147(4), e2020040386.
Moriarty, H.J., Carroll, R. and Cotroneo, M. (1996) ‘Differences in bereavement reactions within couples following death of a child’, Research in Nursing & Health, 19(6), pp. 461-469.
Sasson, I. and Umberson, D.J. (2014) ‘Widowhood and depression: New light on gender differences, selection, and psychological adjustment’, The Journals of Gerontology: Series B, 69(1), pp. 135-145.
Silverman, P.R. and Thomson, S. (2018) ‘When men grieve: Widowers’ stories of coping with their wives’ deaths’, OMEGA – Journal of Death and Dying, 76(4), pp. 339-359.
Umberson, D., Wortman, C.B. and Kessler, R.C. (1992) ‘Widowhood and depression: Explaining long-term gender differences in vulnerability’, Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 33(1), pp. 10-24.
Wijngaards-de Meij, L., Stroebe, M., Schut, H., Stroebe, W., van den Bout, J., van der Heijden, P. and Dijkstra, I. (2005) ‘Couples at risk following the death of their child: Predictors of grief versus depression’, Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 73(4), pp. 617-623.