Foster Care Fortnight 2023 takes place from May 15th – 28th and this annual campaign aims to raise the profile of fostering and show how foster care transforms lives. This year’s theme is fostering communities to celebrate the strength and resilience of fostering communities and all they do to ensure children are cared for and supported to thrive. Thank you Lois, for sharing your story with us.
Hi, I’m Lois and I grew up in care. I work for FosterSupport as a Care Experienced Campaigner. I hope that sharing my story can help bring about positive change.
My early childhood was chaotic.
My mother had problems with mental health, plus alcohol and substance misuse, and ended up in prison a number of times. I remember a lot of men used to come and go from our home and there was a lot of drugs and alcohol. When my older sister wasn’t at her dad’s she used to turn the music up loud and dance with me so that we couldn’t hear what mum was doing with the men. We stayed in some awful hostels to hostels and pretty bad council estate homes.
I have since learnt that my mum took to prostitution to feed her habit and my dad was a client. He was much older than her but he was besotted with her and once he knew about me he stuck around.
There was never any food at mum’s house and I wouldn’t eat for days on end. I went back and forth from my grandma’s and dad’s. I rarely went to school but when I did it was because I took myself there. Sometimes I still had my pyjamas on under my uniform. When I was six my mum had my little brother. When we were alone with mum he became my responsibly and I tried my best to feed and keep him clean and safe.
I have some pretty scary memories from those days which have left me with a heightened perception of danger which has led to me lashing out over the years.
I remember my teachers pulling me back from my mum when she turned up to collect me from school drunk. My mum managed to grab me and told me to take my brother to grandma’s in the pouring rain and she ran off. After a couple hours some police officers arrived to ask what happened and then two ladies came to the house which made my grandma cry. I didn’t know what was going on at the time.
I remember running away from drug dealers and hiding in bushes with my baby brother in his pram and watching my mum being dragged down the street hanging out of a car. I still have scars on my face and feet due to glass bottles being thrown at me in the garden. I was also sexually assaulted by a family friend at the age of 5 and although my mum caught him in my room no one ever mentioned it again.
My grandma tried her best to care for me and my little brother but we were too much for her health and my dad couldn’t take us both as he was only my dad, not my brother’s, and although he fought for me he didn’t pass the assessment. Other family members stepped forward but, ultimately, we ended up in care when my grandma was too ill to look after us anymore.
I was very confused hurt and angry and I never accepted that we needed to be in care. Looking back now I understand why it happened.
I had a few families before I went to live with Jane and her family. I didn’t understand why at the time but it was an emergency carer, then a short term, then long term.
The first one forced us to pray before and after every meal. They were Christians, which I don’t have a problem with; it’s more them forcing people to believe what they believed but going too far with it. They didn’t let you eat until you prayed to say thanks for it. They made me go to church and tried to send me to a private Christian school. I don’t believe that it is fair to force a religion onto a child you foster and I have uncomfortable memories of this time. I had just been removed from all that was familiar to me and forced into a strange alternative reality.
My memories of this time are not happy ones.
During my time with the second family, I found it very difficult to let them care for my little brother. My grandma had told me to take care of him and I clung to these words. A decision was made to split us up because I needed a childhood and he needed an adult to parent him and, as he was so young, he was being placed for adoption. Those foster carers decided to adopt him which meant that I was able to maintain a relationship with him. I guess that I am lucky as another adopter might have stopped all contact, although I never really viewed it that way at the time. I was hurt and angry and I clung to my compulsive caregiver persona at every opportunity.
My first memory of being with Jane’s family was being scared in a new house and I didn’t want to go to bed. Jane didn’t try to force me; she understood. She brought me downstairs and put kids tv on and made hot chocolate then we sat there for hours watching tv. Then Barney, the black Labrador, jumped on the sofa besides me and put his head on my lap which made me feel better. It’s as if he knew I wasn’t ok and I was scared and needed comfort.
I wasn’t sure if I was staying here, as I’d been to two families before this one, but after 6 months I wanted to be a part of the family forever.
I asked Jane if I could call her mum, as she’s the only person who’s taken me in and not hurt me or chucked me aside.
Jane seemed so happy that I wanted to do this, that I felt secure and at home.
I’m not sure she was always happy with me during my teens, I’m not gonna lie I was a nightmare when thinking back at it. She never let me know that I was difficult or anything. She reassured me and just gave me love which was all new to me.
I thought of her as Mum and she was always on my side in meetings at school, she understood I didn’t enjoy them and was struggling as I was 4-5 years behind everyone else. She tried to ensure that school understood that I wasn’t trying to be naughty or defiant. Inside I was a scared and angry child trying to protect myself and survive day to day. That often came across as lashing out to others. Jane understood and tried to help my teachers to understand too.
She also had my back with social workers. Social workers have been a rollercoaster for me because over time I’ve had about 15 and I’ve had to re-tell my story as no one seems to pass anything over. I think information should be shared to other social workers who are going to be yours so it makes it easier for you and that person. Jane has had my back even with my own birth family.
I felt so understood with her, known by her as no one else understands me.
My family got on with Jane really well which helped me a lot to make appointments to see my siblings and grandma and dad.
Because I was part of this family, I went on holidays to Florida, New York, France and Spain and we had a caravan in Cleethorpes. Sometimes my behaviour was very difficult on these holidays.
Back in 2016 my mum kept writing to me from prison promising to see me when she was released. I had a calendar to count down the days until she was released. I truly believed that she had changed and things would be different and we could be a family again. When she came out of jail she completely ignored me. I was heartbroken. Soon afterwards we set off on a month-long motorhome tour of France and Spain. I was distraught. I lashed out, ran off shouting and swearing around the various campsites and caused mayhem for everyone.
I found Christmas difficult and Jane tried her best to distract me. Around these times I missed my birth family. I got on with her extended family quite well, especially her daughter and brother.
There were laughs, and tears, but in good ways.
There were obviously challenges as we all had our own backgrounds but she understood it all, and brought us together as a family that I wanted to be a part of.
I moved out of my foster home a couple days after my 19th birthday to go live at my birth mum’s.
I was hoping to build a relationship with her and see my grandma a lot more and meet some of the other family members. It ended up being a mistake moving into my birth mum’s, and I ended up spending all of my savings on her debts and she kept pushing me for money. I had to make sure that she took her right tablets in morning and at night as she kept taking more by accident. She used to disappear for hours and even nights.
I lived there for over a month and most of the time I just felt alone and scared. I reconnected with my ex-boyfriend during this time and he came to stay with me. My relationship with my mum broke down and I moved out.
I was so sure throughout my childhood in care that everything would be great once I got home to my family. I probably missed out on a lot of happiness and enjoyment of the opportunities I had because I was so angry and fixated on going home.
My foster family bore the brunt of my dissatisfaction, but they stuck by me and supported me without judging me.
I’m engaged now and expecting my first child in August.
My foster carer, Jane continues to support me in many ways and I plan to ensure that my baby girl has a life full of opportunities and love.
You may also be interested in reading Jane Collins’s guest blog for Care Day 2023 – Embracing therapeutic models and empathy and our blog celebrating Foster Care Fortnight 2022 with SWU and FosterTalk.